Now, now, before you get all hot and bothered, let me be the first to say that the “S” word in my title is not SEX. This “S” word however, packs an equally controversial punch so to speak. The word is, drum-roll please…………..SINGLE.
In today’s marriage-centered world being Single, especially single over 30 years of age has been stigmatized with much negativity. I am always blown away by the level of pressure that friends, family and even the religious community often place upon the shoulders of single persons to be married. Is our society threatened by Singles? Should Singleness be pitied and looked upon as a condition that needs to be cured?
There are three basic categories of singles:
1. Those who never married (includes single parents).
2. Singles as a result of divorce.
3. Single after the death of a spouse.
Whatever category you may fall in, know that Singleness should be embraced with open arms not frowned upon. It is a time of true self discovery, self development and self empowerment.
For those who may find themselves as the artist Trina sang: “Single again”, you will find that the rules of dating as we knew them have drastically changed.
One can only reminisce of the days when the dating process meant as one article illustrates:
‘A well-dressed single gentleman pulls up to the front of a single lady’s home in the early evening, steps out of his car and approaches her front door. The two of them were introduced to one another by a mutual friend at a social function some weeks prior- -it is their first date.’
‘As she steps outside (looking flawless I might add), he offers an umbrella to shield her from rain showers, walks with her to the passenger side of the car, and opens the door for her. She notices the interior of the car is spotless.’
‘The pair takes a scenic route to a special destination” a reserved table at an elegant restaurant. Conversation flows naturally for a couple hours, with each beginning to learn about the background and interests of the other. After dessert, the gentleman pays for the meal and then drives the lady home. Accompanying her to her door, he thanks her with a warm smile and departs. Leaving her captivated and longing for more.’ Sounds like a Harlequin romance novel doesn’t it?
Fast-forward to the present:
Over the decades, traditional dating has gradually been overtaken by blind-dating, speed-dating, online dating sites, Social networking and text messaging. No wonder the chances of being asked out on a ‘real’ date seems so far and few in between. It amazes me how we confidently broadcast our lives to the world via You-tube and Face-book, yet in actual social settings, we seem to have absolutely nothing meaningful to say to each other face to face. We don’t take the time to meet, greet and establish lasting connections, but instead have settled for nothing more than a game of ‘Bait & Mate’ (or should I say check-mate?). While this type of practice may be acceptable for the animal kingdom, humans on the other hand are relational beings that crave a much deeper level of connection, at least the normal ones that is.
It is truly a sad day when intelligent, professional individuals find no other option than resorting to bar-hopping and night-clubbing; succumbing to one night-stands and ‘hook-ups’ with those I like to call un-date-able. We are simply putting the cart before the horse and ending up nowhere fast. Even some of the popular TV shows and movies we enjoy have traded in traditional dating practices for ‘Single Ladies,’ ‘Sex & the City’ and Friends with Benefits.’ This is definitely and ugly truth if I say so myself.
FOR LADIES ONLY:
While the 1960’s Feminist movement brought about enormous social gains for women in areas of employment, education and politics, etc, it has consequently brought with it much back-lash which we are still experiencing today. No matter how aggressive and in-charge you are on the job, a woman will NEVER be successful at dating if she is playing the game like a MAN...full stop! Don’t get me wrong ladies, I am all for my strong, professional, independent women. But ladies, do you honestly believe that you CAN do everything like a MAN does? Even if for some strange reason you could, would you really want to?
Studies have shown that the release of Oxytocin (known as the “bonding chemical”) during sexual activity promotes emotional attachment within the female regardless of whether she intends to become attached to that person or not. How’s that for ‘no-strings-attached?’
Dating should be a time for information gathering not mating. It is NOT for the weak in heart, desperate or wounded. Yes...I said it. If you fall in any one the these categories, it may be a good idea to deal with your personal issues and heal first before inviting unsuspecting guests to your pity-party. I don’t mean to be harsh but, we prepare for retirement, map out our education/career paths and even prepare for death. So why haven’t we invested the same amount of time and dedication to preparing ourselves for dating?
A recent article in the New York Times said: “Choosing a mate, the potential mother or father of your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren is one of life’s most important decisions…..” Yet we enter this important stage in our lives without preparation, just winging-it hap-hazardly….resulting in a series of unfortunate events.
Dating Preparedness Guide:
Here are a few dating preparedness tips:
1. Stop being a Scrooge and bury the ghosts of relationship’s past:
There is an old fable that states: ‘the quickest way to get over an old boyfriend/girlfriend is to get under a new one.’ As funny as this may sound, some use this as common practice, only to discover they have jumped from one bad break-up into another, collecting tonnes of baggage and bad learned-behavior with it. If we hope to break the break-up cycle, we must take a moment to reflect honestly on what our contribution was to the un-timely death of the relationship. Remember: ‘A Fool returns to his old mistakes without reflection but the Wise learneth from his mistakes through much reflection.’
2. Confront your inner demons:
We all know the lyrics of “Who the Cap Fit’ by the legend Bob Marley: ‘your worst enemy could be your best friend and your best friend your worst enemy…’ But sometimes our worst enemy may just as well be our ‘inner-me’s’ (ourselves).
You may have graduated Magna Cum Laude from university but when it comes to relationships you’re a Magna Cum Nada. Take some time to brush up on your relational skills (i.e. communication, conflict resolution, time & financial management). Studies suggest that these skills may assist in reducing incidents of Expressive violence in relationships.
4. Find your S.E.L.F (to be expounded in the next edition)
Become truly comfortable and confident (not arrogant) with who and what you are.
Remember: Practice does NOT make perfect rather, Perfect Practice makes Perfect. Let’s return dating right-side up.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Paulette P. Stubbs is an Author, Domestic Violence Survivor, Speaker, CEO & the Founder of ICH Enterprises an independent organization whose aim is to educate & equip with the tools necessary to make healthy lifestyle choices. She is a board member of the PACE Foundation and a regularly featured guest speaker on various radio, TV shows and civic organizations.
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Email your comments to: ichenterprises@yahoo.com and together let's turn dating right-side up.
